Book Share

I am an avid reader/bookworm/nerd and therefore have decided that I will be sharing any interesting or noteworthy books I happen to come across.  First up: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb. 

I had to get past the title of this book because the word "settle" has such negative connotations associated with it, especially with regards to marriage.  The book's overall message is a good one and I've summed it up in a few statements:

1. "Settling" in this book does not refer to lowering your standards as much as it does recognizing and valuing what truly matters for the long term in creating a fulfilling and successful marriage.  A better term is "readjust" your standards, meaning figure out your needs versus your wants and try not to confuse the two.  Gottlieb learns it is not realistic to create a list of fifty or more needs, in fact she suggests narrowing it down to just three or four.
2. Nowadays, there is a sense of entitlement when it comes to dating that makes many women feel like they deserve the very best of the best, a textbook prince charming if you will, and they will not rest until they find that person.  The problem with this thinking is that there are no perfect men in the world and these women could potentially be waiting forever to find that imaginary prince who fits the bill.  Not to mention, what makes you so sure that if Mr. Perfect happened to walked into your life, he would have any interest in marrying you?  Which leads me to...
3. ...you are not perfect either!  Who are you to expect someone else to be completely perfect?  Really if you are lucky enough to find someone who loves you and accepts you in spite of your less-desirable traits, why is it so hard for you to do the same in return?
4. Instead of focusing on surface traits which do not really effect the long term relationship potential (the initial butterflies, how romantic he is, age, weight, height, body hair, having similar interests, the way they talk, the way they laugh, job, income), focus on the qualities that make a great spouse (good listener, honest, respectful, caring, supportive, humility, trustworthy, optimistic, passionate, hard working).  Unfortunately when dating, we tend to focus too much on the first list instead of the second list.
5. One point the author drives home repeatedly is that dating when you are over the age of 40 is much different than dating when you are 30. The unfortunate truth is that the number of available men continues to decline the older we get.  Statistically, single men in their 40s have a much higher chance of being previously married, and it's also quite possible they'll already have kids which can add extra complications to an already challenging dating situation. Older men can and do date much younger women, and may desire dating women who are childless, fertile and young enough to have children with. That is not to say that all hope is lost if you are 40+ and single, however you could be competing with 20-30 somethings for the same men. 

The author gains her insight from her own dating experiences as well as interviews with psychologists, professional matchmakers, religious leaders, authors of other self-help books and friends who are out in the dating and married world giving testimonials on their experiences. Unlike other self-help books on marriage or partner selection, there are no exercises, worksheets or lists to create. Overall, I enjoyed this book and found it to be a quick read; I finished it in 3 days.

If you have a strong desire to get married but have been struggling with picking the wrong guys and unable to pinpoint why, I suggest reading this book.  This is also an excellent book for women who are already dating great guys but have a nagging sense that their guy is just not what they "pictured" themselves ending up with.  Even married women may find that they benefit from getting a fresh perspective on their marriages after reading this book.